Dear EX LOVER

Dear EX LOVER,

I’ve been having this reoccurring feeling, almost as if something is going to happen. Something is calling me. I don’t know how to answer and I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I just know I desperately want to know what it is. Mostly because it feels like it involves you. It’s this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and nervousness. I’m sad and angry and paranoid all at the same time and when I think of you, think of how we got into this red zone of what used to be “us”, my heart swells and it suddenly feels like my heart is a sandbag to heavy to carry in my own chest. My blood prickles as if each blood cell has turned into millions of tiny ants trying to find their balance on a beating drum. I want out of my skin. Out of this situation. Out of this life.

How can it be that this is where we’re at now? How can it be that this is the space we landed on and decide not to move? This inhabitable space that doesn’t allow us air or water or the food we need to survive.  How is this what our entire existence has been leading up too? Will I never hear your voice again? Hear your laughter? See your smile plastered onto your face whenever you watch Family Guy? The subtle raise of your eyebrow when you listen to music in utter appreciation of the introduction of jazz sounds? Will I never feel your touch? Smell your scent? Are all I have are memories that will fade into what will eventually become distortions of what they once were?

There is just so much I want to say. To explain. I have so many questions and questions for those questions. I want to know the truth. Or rather, I want to know your truth. I want you to know mine.

Maybe there isn’t really a voice or some feeling telling me that something is going to happen but instead what I’ve been conditioned to feel after all these years. We’ve changed so often, sometimes so drastically in just a matter of weeks, sometimes even days, or within a span of a conversation. The dynamics of what we were, shifting. Our foundation crumbling at it’s core forcing us to rebuild time and time again.

Maybe that feeling of impending doom, the feeling that something was just around the corner, something I felt I need preparing for ... was simply just a knee jerk reaction of what we’ve created. I so desperately wanted to talk to you. To close the door instead of feeling like it was slammed in my face.

Though … I’ve never stopped to think about your feelings. I’ve always assumed you had none. That you were “down for whatever” or at least what was most convenient at the time. I never considered that this was hard for you too. That you wanted answers just as desperately as I have, but you knew the hard truth I could never admit: we don’t get to have what we want at the expense of the other person’s sanity.