Poetry

i second guess my first thought for the fourth time 
because i hear third times the charm 
i can't look back ,it will literally kill me 
(genesis 19)

I think I learned to love like condition

Like. 

Sign your name on the dotted line, 

Listen out for these conditions: 

• you will love me even when I am not enough, which is frequently 
• learn to find the answers I cannot give when my heart beats loud enough to break away from my silly string veins, rise in my throat like hot air ballons, causing my ears to create that deafening booming sound ... which is to say, 
• search for answers I do not give because I am too insecure to tell you how I actually feel 
• get used to watching Harry Potter because I have never missed a marathon, even when my cat died ... just kidding, my cat didn’t die, I was just proving extremes

Which is to say, 

love 

me .... 

because 

I do not love myself 

I do not actually know what love is .... 

but I am desperate for it 

i guess we have to know our triggers thank you ma'am/ thank you for listeningmy worst fear is you leavingwave goodbye Jessica i can't wave goodbye to what was never theredrip. drip. dripi am bathing in my blood orlet's start at the beginning *big roar* claws leaving invisible scars inhale/ exhalesometimes it gets hard to control my body's most basic functionring. ring. ring another alarm to remind me it's morningbut when you rather die more of nothinglike conditionlike sign your name on the dotted linelisten out for these conditions:which is frequently-learn to find the answers i will not speak becausei am to insecure to let you know how i really feel - get used to Harry Potter because i've never missed a marathonnot even when my cat diedjust kidding, my cat didn't die i was just proving extremes love me because i do not love myselfand i don't actually know what love is .... but i am desperate for it so when the gun is pointed at us
we aren't both the bullet and bullseyes

bam. bam. bam

to my problems 
and by listening i mean waiting for me to pause 
so that you can best respond to my worst fear



yet somehow i find myself 
hands waving
arms bleeding


is this guilt
i can't seem to tell 
the difference anymore 
and they both have high volumes of salt context
this makes me bitter

chapter 1 

i was never afraid of the monsters under the bed
i was always afraid of the monsters in them


cold skin that mirrored my crippled breathe
against it

exhale/ inhale



because sometimes i have a tendency to sleep to long
and forget 6am is reserved for the living 

every moment feel like 6am 
yawning, dry eyes, sleepy bones
looking forward to more sleep, more silence 

because everything hurts