The Treatment is Your Own

One of the most important things I’ve learned on this road to recovery is acknowledging and understanding my triggers for what they are. Not to be ashamed of them. Not to hide them. And most definitely not to ignore them. Being able to identify my triggers has allowed me to be able to try and avoid them at all cost. 

My therapist once asked me, “when you’re driving down the street do you ignore stop signs, yield signs, or red lights?”. My answer was of course “no, I always follow the rules of the road ... mostly .. sometimes”. I mean, I know running a red light comes with it the possibility that an oncoming car can crash into me. I take caution when driving. He told me the same logic applied to warning signs on the road should also be applied the warnings in my everyday life. Ignoring warning signs, similar to triggers, are what leads to accidents and destruction which is likely to cause physical harm. He then began to explain to me the significance of having a safety plan. Comparable to insurance.

To do this, I must first know my triggers. Define them. Understand from which they are born, how they manifest in my life, and how often they are placed in my own way. Then, I must understand how to actively avoid them. How to position myself in a way where I am not tested, strength notwithstanding, if it can be avoid it should. After, I must understand and acknowledge what I do when triggered: how I react, how I function both mentally and physically, in order to understand how I can safely and effectively move forward. This means I must be proactive and alert on every level. 

Below is my own safety plan in hopes that it will help someone in need create their own. Each safety plan is unique. You must be completely honest when creating your own. I created my safety plan with a therapist that held me accountable. He made sure I was honest and did not withhold  important information to ensure a safety plan that wasn’t just convenient but helpful and assertive.  One that could safe my life if need be.

I shared my safety plan with my parents so when, if ever, I wasn’t able to see a change in my behavior or mood they knew what to look out for and knew what to do. To be quite honest, part of my safety plan includes being involuntarily committed to a psychiatric unit if I feel or act on suicidal thoughts. Adding this particular part to my safety plan made me feel uneasy because it meant I would have to relinquish all of my power over to the doctors and staff at a psychiatric facility. Again. I hated it then, and I vowed the last time would be the last time. It wasn’t something I really wanted to add as it isn’t easy going in and coming out. I always felt like I left a piece of me behind those locked doors, for better or for worse. At least that was my own experience. Though, I now know if it will save my life it was something I could't leave off the list. 

If you do not have a therapist I advise you to make a safety plan alone, when you are feeling your most healthy and level headed. Really think. Reflect. Consider every angle. Be honest. Be vulnerable and be patient with yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that you want what is best for you. Then walk away from it. Share it with the person or the people you trust most. Those who keep you accountable. Update it ever so often, because we change and with us, our triggers.

I really hope this helps. xo 

MY SAFETY PLAN

Trigger(s): 

Thinking about John Doe/ trying to figure out how he is doing and how is he feeling/interacting with our mutual friends   

Thinking about Jane Doe/what she did to me/how my family will see if they knew the truth/thinking about how see feels about it, any remorse/will I end up like she was/ are we the same?

Watching (or reading) television or movies about sexual abuse or misconduct

Avoid:

Asking mutual friends about him/engaging with his social circle/ checking his social media

Talking to people that make excuses for her or deny her actions/ comparing myself to her when I am at my lowest/ trying to get people to see my side of the story or people that ask me to explain myself 

Doing or signing up for anything to prove I made progress/that I am "better"/that I am different from her

Emergency Plan/When Feeling Unsafe:

Talk first and try to be as open and honest about it with mom and dad

Call Gail (therapist) if I feel like harming myself or call Pat (psychiatrist) if I feel I am having a negative side effect to medication 

Call the Suicide Hotline if I can’t trust anyone else 

Reassure myself that I am capable of giving and receiving healthy mutual love 

Call 911 to be committed if I am a harm to myself or others (have mom or dad take me to the emergency room)

Mindfulness: 

Drinking after being emotional or handling any stressful situation can lead to a spike in depression and self harm 

I am myself and not my circumstance: “man’s main task is to give birth to himself”

“the cat can be made to love the rat”

Moving backwards prevents me from moving forwards 

Everyday is a new day and not a continuation of yesterday