Big Girl Panties
I got this job. I got this job and it sucks. Let me preface this with, it's not the amount of time I spend at work, the actual work load, the interaction with the guests or even the salary that makes my heart drop to my stomach every time I pull up to the dreadful building. What fills me with utter anxiety and complete rage is that this opportunity, this milestone after the earthquake of my life, what was supposed to be my big girl job: is filled with nothing but negativity and constant emotional avalanches.
Let's start from the beginning. I work in hospitality. It wasn't where I envisioned myself but when the job was recommended to me for more money than I've made before, I could hardly turn it down. It was exciting. Something new. Getting dressed up for an interview and having butterflies about the call back was a great change of pace from re-watching season 1 of Grey's Anatomy unmoved from my bed in weeks. Though readjusting to a set schedule took some extreme will power and a caffeinated IV drip; after a few weeks it became as normal as anything else. I genuinely enjoyed having a job where in the span of an hour I could be doing a variety of things that kept me on my feet and the time moving fast. I was meeting new people. Learning new things. Most importantly, I was readjusting to life after hospital stays, twice a day therapy appointments, and psych evaluations. I artfully and effectively carved out the toxic people and situations I was placing myself in. I had a new outlook and fresh perspective on what I wanted my life to look like. When I spoke of the future I saw myself in the reflection. I was clear headed and the haze in my life was finally fading.
Originally, I worked primarily overnight. It suited me. I didn't have to wake up super early in the morning, there was no traffic, and I spent only a small portion of my shift interacting with guests. The workload was doable within the first few hours which gave me the entire night/morning to myself. I was free read or write or even catch up on Shameless. After a handful of shifts the time would start to freeze around 3am. To alleviate my sleep depravity I would try to make myself useful. Organizing, cleaning,thinking of ways to make everyone's job at the front desk just a little easier.
Eventually, my coworkers took a notice to my emails, handouts, and motivational quotes on nearly every writeable surface. They said things like "wow, you're very into cleaning and organizing Jess, I like that" to "the management position is open you should take it" which I always turned down and said "me? no, I'm just bored and this helps the time pass". Soon my General Manager caught on and I truly felt like what I was doing was helpful. It was little surprise to "upper management" when I inquired about the vacant management position a few weeks later. Though I was only two months in I really believed that if I kept up the momentum I could lead a great team. My GM and I bounced the idea around for a few meetings until she offered to create a position for me she thought would be most effective.
I was ecstatic. A position was being created just for me because in the short time I'd been there both my skill and work ethic had been acknowledged as a strength the company needed. I went from calling out and showing up late from every other job I had ever held to the golden employee in this new position. Me! I immediately began brainstorming even more ways to be useful. The following two weeks I had my first official meeting with all of the management team and my GM was prepared to announce my promotion. I practiced my "what you should expect from me" speech that entire week and I was for sure that it would be well received. After all, nothing had changed but my job title. I was the same person, doing the same things, still smiling and genuinely trying to get to know everyone. Learning. Asking for help when needed.
My GM took the entire team into her office, shut the door, and announced that based on the needs of the business and all of the help she would require with things coming up, Corporate had agreed she needed additional support, and she was electing me as supervisor. Suddenly, the ground below me shifted and the fiery pit of hell arose in the moment between her announcement and my Miss America smile. It all happened so fast. I honestly believe I blacked out for a moment. The room was shaking from all of the screaming. Everyone vehemently objected and did not hold back with their reasons why. "Jessica is so two-faced". "Before Jessica, everyone here had each other's back and I loved everyone here like family. Now it's so different"."She speaks about my language and where I come from, makes fun of my accent, my education level ... you know you wouldn't even survive a day where I come from". My mouth dropped to the ground as my mind raced to logically rationalize what was happening. This was a sharp contrast from just the day before. As my GM put an end to what felt like compete ambush, I had to fight back the tears I felt beginning to betray my composure.
It was fight or flight and my flight was booked and boarded. I walked out of the office saying "I quit, I.am.done. I will not do this". With half of my shift not even over, I grabbed my coat, my purse, and my phone and darted out the building yelling into the phone about how absolutely done I was and nothing would ever make me go back. Naturally, I called my mother first. In typical mom fashion, my mother tried every way to talk me out of it, and I was not having a single word. Even my hot tempered father could not find it in him to agree with me. I was completely at a loss for words. For thoughts. For feelings. I had nothing in me but the words catapulted at me like rocks at a stoning. I cried all of my ugly tears, lost an eyelash, ruined my concealer, and forced back the vomit as I walked back into the building to face what had just happened. Somewhere inside of me I believed this couldn't be the end. I felt compelled to explain myself. Put an end to the horrible rumors and demand an apology. I would leave without a job but not without my dignity.
My GM called me back into her office and we had an authentic heart to heart about how often times being promoted will put you on the outside of the circle you were just in, but that was the price of success. I felt her compassion and really appreciated it, but all I heard was white noise. This wasn't fair. I didn't deserve this. I knew all of the rumors were just that. Rumors. But why would these people who barely know me, who only get the sunshine-y version of me that I claw to bring to the surface each morning, do this to me? WHY.ME?
My GM and I agreed that I would take some time and decide if this was the path I wanted to go down. If I had enough in my personal and professional bank to pay the price of "climbing up the ladder". As I drove home I couldn't help but second guess every decision I've ever made since landing this job.
Was it even worth it?
Let's start from the beginning. I work in hospitality. It wasn't where I envisioned myself but when the job was recommended to me for more money than I've made before, I could hardly turn it down. It was exciting. Something new. Getting dressed up for an interview and having butterflies about the call back was a great change of pace from re-watching season 1 of Grey's Anatomy unmoved from my bed in weeks. Though readjusting to a set schedule took some extreme will power and a caffeinated IV drip; after a few weeks it became as normal as anything else. I genuinely enjoyed having a job where in the span of an hour I could be doing a variety of things that kept me on my feet and the time moving fast. I was meeting new people. Learning new things. Most importantly, I was readjusting to life after hospital stays, twice a day therapy appointments, and psych evaluations. I artfully and effectively carved out the toxic people and situations I was placing myself in. I had a new outlook and fresh perspective on what I wanted my life to look like. When I spoke of the future I saw myself in the reflection. I was clear headed and the haze in my life was finally fading.
Originally, I worked primarily overnight. It suited me. I didn't have to wake up super early in the morning, there was no traffic, and I spent only a small portion of my shift interacting with guests. The workload was doable within the first few hours which gave me the entire night/morning to myself. I was free read or write or even catch up on Shameless. After a handful of shifts the time would start to freeze around 3am. To alleviate my sleep depravity I would try to make myself useful. Organizing, cleaning,thinking of ways to make everyone's job at the front desk just a little easier.
Eventually, my coworkers took a notice to my emails, handouts, and motivational quotes on nearly every writeable surface. They said things like "wow, you're very into cleaning and organizing Jess, I like that" to "the management position is open you should take it" which I always turned down and said "me? no, I'm just bored and this helps the time pass". Soon my General Manager caught on and I truly felt like what I was doing was helpful. It was little surprise to "upper management" when I inquired about the vacant management position a few weeks later. Though I was only two months in I really believed that if I kept up the momentum I could lead a great team. My GM and I bounced the idea around for a few meetings until she offered to create a position for me she thought would be most effective.
I was ecstatic. A position was being created just for me because in the short time I'd been there both my skill and work ethic had been acknowledged as a strength the company needed. I went from calling out and showing up late from every other job I had ever held to the golden employee in this new position. Me! I immediately began brainstorming even more ways to be useful. The following two weeks I had my first official meeting with all of the management team and my GM was prepared to announce my promotion. I practiced my "what you should expect from me" speech that entire week and I was for sure that it would be well received. After all, nothing had changed but my job title. I was the same person, doing the same things, still smiling and genuinely trying to get to know everyone. Learning. Asking for help when needed.
My GM took the entire team into her office, shut the door, and announced that based on the needs of the business and all of the help she would require with things coming up, Corporate had agreed she needed additional support, and she was electing me as supervisor. Suddenly, the ground below me shifted and the fiery pit of hell arose in the moment between her announcement and my Miss America smile. It all happened so fast. I honestly believe I blacked out for a moment. The room was shaking from all of the screaming. Everyone vehemently objected and did not hold back with their reasons why. "Jessica is so two-faced". "Before Jessica, everyone here had each other's back and I loved everyone here like family. Now it's so different"."She speaks about my language and where I come from, makes fun of my accent, my education level ... you know you wouldn't even survive a day where I come from". My mouth dropped to the ground as my mind raced to logically rationalize what was happening. This was a sharp contrast from just the day before. As my GM put an end to what felt like compete ambush, I had to fight back the tears I felt beginning to betray my composure.
It was fight or flight and my flight was booked and boarded. I walked out of the office saying "I quit, I.am.done. I will not do this". With half of my shift not even over, I grabbed my coat, my purse, and my phone and darted out the building yelling into the phone about how absolutely done I was and nothing would ever make me go back. Naturally, I called my mother first. In typical mom fashion, my mother tried every way to talk me out of it, and I was not having a single word. Even my hot tempered father could not find it in him to agree with me. I was completely at a loss for words. For thoughts. For feelings. I had nothing in me but the words catapulted at me like rocks at a stoning. I cried all of my ugly tears, lost an eyelash, ruined my concealer, and forced back the vomit as I walked back into the building to face what had just happened. Somewhere inside of me I believed this couldn't be the end. I felt compelled to explain myself. Put an end to the horrible rumors and demand an apology. I would leave without a job but not without my dignity.
My GM called me back into her office and we had an authentic heart to heart about how often times being promoted will put you on the outside of the circle you were just in, but that was the price of success. I felt her compassion and really appreciated it, but all I heard was white noise. This wasn't fair. I didn't deserve this. I knew all of the rumors were just that. Rumors. But why would these people who barely know me, who only get the sunshine-y version of me that I claw to bring to the surface each morning, do this to me? WHY.ME?
My GM and I agreed that I would take some time and decide if this was the path I wanted to go down. If I had enough in my personal and professional bank to pay the price of "climbing up the ladder". As I drove home I couldn't help but second guess every decision I've ever made since landing this job.
Was it even worth it?