Kill The Alarm Clock .... I'm Sleeping In
I am TIRED.
I am tired of trying to convince people that I am worth knowing, worth loving, worth giving a half a fuck about. I am tired of letting people in only to get hurt. I am so tired of hurting. I am tired of making myself small so that I can be easier to digest, easier to swallow. I am tired of being the bigger person so people don't think of me as the villain in their story. I am tired of looking in the mirror and picking apart the pieces of myself I hate. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of affirmations and encouraging words that are supposed to make me feel better but only remind me how much I can't stand the body I am in. I am tired of setting goals for the future when I don't even want to think past the day. I am tired of not being able to see past the day. I am tired of people asking me how I'm doing and saying "fine, working a lot is all". I am tired of working so hard. I am tired of saying no. I am tired of saying yes. I am tired of speaking for the sake of remember what my voice sounds like. I am tired of thinking about cutting and using all of my energy not to do it. I am tired of thinking about dying, of what it means to really live. I am tired of reminding myself I am a good person. If I'm such a good person why do I need the constant reminder? I am tired of waiting for the good to come. Will the good ever come? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of forgiving myself for living through the same lessons. I am tired of the same lessons. I am tired of never learning the lesson. What the fuck is the lesson? I am tired of having to reinvent myself every couple of months so that I don't stay to the same disappointing person. I am tired of being a disappointment. I am tired of explaining my tattoos to people. Shut up, it's my body. I am tired of explaining my body to people. Yes I've gained weight. Yes I am bloated. No those aren't chicken pox, my face is just breaking out. I am tired of breaking out. I am tired of going out. I am tired of staying in. I'm tired of trying to decide if I should go out or stay in. I'm tired of having to decide and deciding wrong. I'm tired of being wrong. I'm even more tired of being right about the asshole that you've always been but I've chosen to ignore because I like the company. I'm tired of needing company, companionship, basic human touch. I'm tired of needing. I don't want to need anything anymore. I am tired of smelling like cigarettes. I am tired of smoking cigarettes but it's the only 60 seconds of "peace" I get to myself. I'm tired of hiding. Of the constant darkness. Of feeling burned and blinded by the light ... Most of all ... I am tired of being so God damn tired!
I am tired of trying to convince people that I am worth knowing, worth loving, worth giving a half a fuck about. I am tired of letting people in only to get hurt. I am so tired of hurting. I am tired of making myself small so that I can be easier to digest, easier to swallow. I am tired of being the bigger person so people don't think of me as the villain in their story. I am tired of looking in the mirror and picking apart the pieces of myself I hate. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of affirmations and encouraging words that are supposed to make me feel better but only remind me how much I can't stand the body I am in. I am tired of setting goals for the future when I don't even want to think past the day. I am tired of not being able to see past the day. I am tired of people asking me how I'm doing and saying "fine, working a lot is all". I am tired of working so hard. I am tired of saying no. I am tired of saying yes. I am tired of speaking for the sake of remember what my voice sounds like. I am tired of thinking about cutting and using all of my energy not to do it. I am tired of thinking about dying, of what it means to really live. I am tired of reminding myself I am a good person. If I'm such a good person why do I need the constant reminder? I am tired of waiting for the good to come. Will the good ever come? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of forgiving myself for living through the same lessons. I am tired of the same lessons. I am tired of never learning the lesson. What the fuck is the lesson? I am tired of having to reinvent myself every couple of months so that I don't stay to the same disappointing person. I am tired of being a disappointment. I am tired of explaining my tattoos to people. Shut up, it's my body. I am tired of explaining my body to people. Yes I've gained weight. Yes I am bloated. No those aren't chicken pox, my face is just breaking out. I am tired of breaking out. I am tired of going out. I am tired of staying in. I'm tired of trying to decide if I should go out or stay in. I'm tired of having to decide and deciding wrong. I'm tired of being wrong. I'm even more tired of being right about the asshole that you've always been but I've chosen to ignore because I like the company. I'm tired of needing company, companionship, basic human touch. I'm tired of needing. I don't want to need anything anymore. I am tired of smelling like cigarettes. I am tired of smoking cigarettes but it's the only 60 seconds of "peace" I get to myself. I'm tired of hiding. Of the constant darkness. Of feeling burned and blinded by the light ... Most of all ... I am tired of being so God damn tired!